Wednesday, January 11

a new year

The sand in the proverbial hour- glass announced the going away. Decided to celebrate the going away like any one else. Mostly.

Loud Music. Booze. Bad dancing. Mad friends. Revelry.

But just before the clock struck 12 and the world at INS Hamla waited to wade into the New Year by the high tide I was thrown into my default state.

Alone.

I saw the year 2005 dissolving into a new year as fireworks exploded in the halogen soaked night at the Aksa beach.

I saw my own inhibitions dissolving into the smoke.The vodka mingled in my hopeful veins as I clapped with strangers to usher 2006.

I took the tipsiest walk of my life all alone by the sea, with cold sand under my feet and the breeze that told me dark sea secrets.

Aksa beach swayed to Kajra re Kajra re while I dug my heel in the sand.

I made a small sand hill with a little boy whose name I couldn’t recall. Maybe I didn’t ask.

It was strange; I tiptoed to where he was sitting alone trying to build a house. Together we first heaped sand and smoothened it. We started digging from the two ends of the smooth hill till our hands met.

In the mid night madness I shook hands under a sandy hill with a child whose name I didn’t ask.

And I got on with my walk. Alone. Till friends tired of looking for me caught up for niceties.

Another strange year in my life slipped away. Unceremoniously.

2005 was like the tepid tea on a bland morning.

Yet there were some things that stuck on through out the blandness.

Old Man and wife

Their world hung around news from children who announced their independence rather hurriedly.

Bunty

Whose childhood had exploded into an adult world. Just like mine. Without a warning.

Loneliness

I was lonely. All through 2005.

lonely in a crowd, drunk and dancing badly with mad friends.

lonely when I was part of something that felt beautiful. Lonely also when it turned ugly.

Reading and writing

They lay claim to my here and now.

Read some good people last year and wrote some bad stuff last year.

Mostly wrote on borrowed time. During sleepless nights or early mornings or delayed flights or on the way to office in a yellow black cubicle.

Friends

They were there. In my loneliness and in my revelry.

Homelessness and Drift

Happens to all of us. All the time.

Heartbreaks

Yeah, that too.

Things I would do again

Getting drenched in the rain, worse wading through knee deep water to home

Getting drunk and losing myself on the sea beach

Dancing badly and madly

Writing another story, and the much awaited book

Reading

Falling in love


Things I would not want again

Trips to my physiotherapist for the bad back

Shutting down pubs at 1 pm

Working on weekends

Traffic jams

Laloo & Rabri in Bihar

Early morning flights & the micro waved breakfast

Salad lunches

Bad bollywood movies (hah, tall ask!)

I would drink to the New Year. And to that smile I lived for, for a while, the sunshine that streams through life’s window on an occasional morning, the squabbling of the pigeons in my kitchen and yes for Life.

It works.

13 comments:

... said...

A beautiful post! Have you ever heard the song "I hope you dance" (or read the lyrics)? You MUST, if you haven't already. You will absolutely love it. I am moved every time I listen to it. Leann Womack's version of the song sounds fabulous if you want to listen to it.

May you have a fantastic year ahead and I am sure you will welcome 2007 with a "special" someone :)

shuchika said...

thanks, will definitely hear it.

the "special someone" was cute, i think i would still want to be in my default state.

loneliness...

Anonymous said...

are you hurt ?

Ajit Chouhan said...

Your introspection makes me melancholic yaar.
I am sure you'll appreciate the fact that isolated ruminations always makes you yearn for solace.
Try and connect the Human truth Pics on my blog with your musings you'll appreciate life better.I hope that will make you feel better.

Sunil K Poolani said...

Well, to be frank, which I am always, the first part of this post was not really impressive. But there are some sparks of good writing in the second part, but, then, they read like new year resolutions, which definetely they are...

swati said...

your writings have a haunting quality to them..and to be honest..a lot of loneliness and yearning!! i wish you discover the true joy of togetherness...coz thats beautiful too.....any progress on the book?

shuchika said...

Thanks Keya.

Ajit, i thought this was one of my brighter post which looked forward to life?

Well, Sunil thanks for your feedback.

swati, save this for the much awaited drink and dinner. That is when you step out from your world and take a walk into mine.

Raps said...

ouch! It hurts.... loneliness can be very fashionable but it hurts a lot. The yearnings for a company and the longingness for a human touch saddens me. Is it worth leaving all these and declare independence... who knows. Some food for thought may be.

geminijesus said...

Hi
"a new year" was good as always I am such a big fan of your fantasy world :)
You create something for some reason , in your case ( see how confident I am about you ) to shroud it with a muystery so that ppl desperately wants peep into it ( thats what you want too) but no one is allowed , how can that be the, fun is gone then , the play goes on for sometime but the bad part is that you get sucked it into it
You know what amazes me, that creating such a life ( just like a Monalisa Pic-let PPl guess about the smile ) and fixing it on the Frame of Reality does what, the PPl see at the pic but you start getting obssesed about the frame and then the whole thing becomes your REALITY which of course is not your reality so a conflict and that means pain agony loneliness ( but hey it must be a compliment to You )
The otherside is the beauty of life so simple and so effortles to get but then, where is the Fun ( of obstacles of tripping down of standing up again )
I understand " Janata hoon main tumko tarq ke shayari bhi hain
shaskiyat sajane main ek yeh mahiri bhi hain
Phir bhi harf chunate ho sirf lafj sunate ho
inke darmiyaan kiya hain tum na jan paoge "
Why Not in this new Year ??
1.Get up in the morning
2.Do excersises
3.Meditate Daily
4.Make a promise to yourself
5.Believe in miracles
6.Give a effort to look good
7. smile effortlessely
8.sing the whole day thro
Isnt this a better way to welcome this new year
I know...Simpleton like me are not invited in your land but still with a lit of Bribery of relationship everytime I will come ,the results will be the same
" bare beabroo ho ke tere kuche se hum nikale "
but still
In liberty
I will
Abhi
"Everything is honoured but Nothing Matters "
Excuse me about the grammar and spels I always hated Wren & Martin

shuchika said...

geminijesus ( wonder what evoked that name, narcissism runs in the family i guess).

I am touched by the following things

length of your remark
earnestness of the remark
poetry (very haunting)
that you do understand me at some level
and that blood ties call ( didnt know that we will relate so much in the adult world, cousin.)

i will only quote an unknown unsung woman poet

katar ke pankh mere mujhe ura na de
mere kate bajuo mein aasma na de
ur jane de aaj, mere shouke parvaj pe tu itna dhyaan na de

love

bunny.

karishma said...

Hi

Got to read your post and thought it was interesting, very vivid , poetic and the worries of some one who is far from the madding crowd ...but still close to them. Not to psychoanalyze but a touch of pessimism....in your celebrations ...................is it that the innocence and the simplicity of welcoming a new year gets lost in our quest to find meaning in every moment....are we asking too much always.....its the soulsearch of a thinking mind searching for the right medium of release......is partying still simply exciting or unbelievably boring.......food for thought...
wish you a positive....unlonely year....Karishma :-)(thought of going on your link that you sent as discovered in one of my mails)

shikha said...

There is just one state which is the absolute truth..the state of loneliness and being one with one's soul.

If you can achieve that,i think you have achieved everything there is to it...

Also, i dont understand why people think that loneliness is synomous with sadness...isn't it true that we are alone..it things that are beautiful and those that are not...

Each one of us perceive things our own way and that is our reality...a reality in which we are alone...

Being alone can be so much fun..discovering one's soul is a very gratifying and thrilling excercise...

Shuchika...great,kudos to you!
Cheers..shikha

shuchika said...

shikha,

thanks for reading and thanks for understanding.

loneliness is a state of mind , which like togetherness has to be cherished.

I cherish both togetherness and also loneliness.