Sunday, October 4

A passing thought

Today somebody wrote to me across the time zones. It must have been really late in the night for her.I knew her from work, we had shared spaces in a 200 sq ft bench in an MNC office for over a year. Heard each other's professional and personal conversations over the phone, read official e- mails and did spell checks for each other.She is a lot younger and I am quite fond of her, I see a lot of myself in her. sans the scars. sans the loss. For starters, we went to the same B school, lost our fathers before we got a chance to know them better, share a deep interest in Literature, love to cook, travel, blog.She wanted some information and I gave it to her. We exchanged some moments and then this girl who must be half a decade younger told me not to waste my life in HR.You're cut out for writing, she said, when are you going to sit down and just write and come up with a collection of poems ?

She made it sound so matter of fact.As though I call in tomorrow at work and say, I am sorry, there's been a mistake, I am caught in a wrong job, from what it looks. I would rather sit at home and write poems or may be stories, whatever makes sense. I may or may not be the best poet around or even a technically good poet or writer, but at least when I sit and write I don't clock my work. And that makes the difference.


A decade back when I chose this I didn't quite know what it meant. I didn't know it meant that I have to pretend to do something I was quite indifferent to 10 hrs a day, 50 hrs a week, week after week, months after months, years after years. It seems like a lot.

At 24, when I got my job, I was very flattered. Being good at what I do was fairly effortless. May be I have the aptitude to be an HR person, its the indifference towards what I do everyday that I cant cope with. And I know one day, someone is going to see through the pretence. Someone will be able to spot the smirk on my face or the loathing at the corner of my mouth. I am scared of that.

And when I write I just love what I do to words. I may set out to make something with words, hold on to one chain of thought and I may end someplace else yet I enjoy the journey. I read so many blogs and some of them do make me realise as to how much I need to unlearn and learn. I am painfully aware of the mediocrity of my written word. But that does not make me scared.

I know I want to learn. After every 3 months I go into what I pompously call " writer's block or shall we say " blogger's block", as much of what I write is "on borrowed time" but that hiatus fails to scare me. I know it will come back to me, words, lyrics, poems, they will come back and fall into place.

There are times when I write something and I am a little unsure and I call up these few people who read my blog come rain or sunshine to know how they felt about it. I disappoint them quite a number of times, but I am not scared of losing them. I have an uncanny feeling that they would be part of my blog for as long as my blog is around or I am around.I know they would read what I write and when I write. I didnt lose them when this blog , now 5, had died a natural death.I didnt lose some of my blog friends to the onslaught of facebook, they will be around.

I may not ever write a book, may be the only thing I would ever write is on this blog, an average of 15- 20 pieces a year, half of them superficial updates which no one is particularly interested in but I would always be a writer.

That's my first vocation. This feeling is really matter-of-fact for me,but there's that something that holds me back to pursue this irrationally.

I wish I was unreasonable with myself.

And on that note I look forward to the ides of October. HR, my day job intends to keep me very busy and I only hope that I can moonlight on this blog.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

It has been a week since I have got introduced to your blog and from that day onwards I have got hooked up to it..you are right when you say that there are few people who read your blog come what may ….in that list plz add me too.. as I read through your blogs I get a feeling they are like the Bombay Rains.. with all that mayhem that it causes there is a uncanny beauty that lies with it….

Anonymous said...

It has been a week since I have got introduced to your blog and from that day onwards I have got hooked up to it..you are right when you say that there are few people who read your blog come what may ….in that list plz add me too.. as I read through your blogs I get a feeling they are like the Bombay Rains.. with all that mayhem that it causes there is a uncanny beauty that lies with it….

shikha said...

this one is really from the heart...you are soung better when you write heart tugging pieces than anything trying to write humourous stuff or anything else

been long woman...write more often...i have re read all the stuff so many times that i almost remember most of it......i demand something new next time i am here..(and no receipe's please)

Anonymous said...

Shuchika,

tum yeh sab HR wagerah jaane do.. do write full time. You have that innate gift.